Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
