Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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