my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
