My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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