It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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