My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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