Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
