If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
