I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
