Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
