this boner is exhausting
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
