Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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