my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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