Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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