I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
