1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
