I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
high people should be assigned attendants
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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