The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
