apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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