i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
