i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
