remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
