it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
