just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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