I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
