I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
