Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Girls should come with a carfax report
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
