I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
