I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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