my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
