Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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