please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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