I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Less talking, more tequila
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
