I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
