nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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