ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
