i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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