She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
