Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
