I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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