I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
