Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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