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I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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