I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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