i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
