WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
