if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
