Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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