I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
