eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
